| askdjfhkds |
[Apr. 23rd, 2009|01:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my house | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
i miss him more than anyone knows....except him. everytime i turn around and things get close to being good again..something else happens and it goes to hell.
this is the hardest thing i've ever had to go through in my life...and i have no clue what to do. love sucks...
and i love him...
why is everything so complicated..
i need a new job, and to move out. |
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| what's happened. |
[Jan. 6th, 2008|01:09 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the television | ] |
i need a job...very badly, and my attempts at finding one are failing. i'm going to put more effort into it. school starts in a week...and i'm actually looking forward to it...i'm tired of being at home. i'm out of yet another relationship, and although i'm very happy that i'm no longer with him....i really hate being alone...especially when i like someone, who more than likely doesn't look at me the same. i always seem to be JUST a friend...unless it's someone who i have no interest in. i feel like giving up...which i know i shouldn't do.
it's times like this when i miss being little...and i didn't have to worry about a job...or boys...and i loved school. and even more...i didn't seem to have a worry in the world...
and to make it worse...and suck at giving sympathetic words...all i know how to say is...i'm sorry. |
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| blah.. |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|05:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | library | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
so..i need a new job..i think i'm about to screw things up..and i'm bored out of my mind. what's new? |
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| I just want you to know who I am |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|04:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none...just Ellen on tv | ] |
So...things seem to be looking up for me, yet I can't help but wonder if it's all right. I feel like it's all so perfect, and then I run into someone who makes me question if I should be with him or not....and it's happened twice, with 2 different people. I know things will work out the way they should...I just don't want to lose him..or them. I'm afraid of getting hurt..and I'm afraid of hurting someone. I guess I'll see how I feel in a few days...or weeks maybe. :/ |
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| Come on try a little |
[Oct. 23rd, 2007|11:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my aunt's living room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | screw it all | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | One Headlight - The Wallflowers | ] |
Life...kills me. I hate being alone...and feeling as if no one gives a crap...and I don't care how much they say they do....it doesn't seem that way at all. |
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| what... |
[Oct. 8th, 2007|12:34 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
am i supposed to do? i don't even know who i am anymore. telling people i'll do stuff i've never even considered doing before. it's like one day i'm the person i want to be...and the next i'm something someone else wants me to be just because i don't want to disappoint anyone...i don't want to be lonely. i guess we'll just see what happens. this is all so unlike me, but...who am i anymore? i don't even seem to know. |
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| i think |
[Sep. 24th, 2007|10:32 pm] |
i'm really starting to like him. but i guess i should just give up because i know he doesn't feel the same way. i wish i could talk about it....but if i do, i get my hopes up, so i can't. :/ |
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| so... |
[Sep. 20th, 2007|08:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bedroom | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | wanting to talk to someone | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | a commercial | ] |
this is really weird. i don't even know what i'm supposed to do, but i know what i want to do. this sucks. |
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| so... |
[Jun. 8th, 2007|11:45 pm] |
i'm thinking that i want to go back alabama and live...forever. i started working tuesday, and i'm about killed...washing walls for 5 hours...not fun..at all. so...i'm going to have to shut up for now, because i'm watching the exorcist. :/ i've never seen it before. |
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| jsdhfgjdfh |
[Feb. 22nd, 2007|10:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
so...i need a new job. |
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| kjfhksdksjhd |
[Feb. 22nd, 2007|12:29 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my den | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | whatever song is in the background of the movie i'm watching | ] |
so...i haven't written in this thing in forever. not quite sure why i have one but it's always good to have something to write in every now and then. school has gotten a little better i guess, but it's still school. i have to turn in a set of 5 observational reports and i have no idea what i'm going to write...although i have a number of topics to choose from, and all i do is talk about myself and my life. she said i should write about something that i'm good at...the problem is i don't think i'm good at anything. my friends are becoming very few, and those people i want to talk to are no where to be found.
Now...i'm going to feel awful after i post this so i might as well just do it anyways. why is it that i have an awful relationship, i know that i do, yet i stay in it. and to top it all off, i think i like someone else, who i know has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever, even though i don't like them that much. things get absolutely awful where all we ever do is fight, and then it gets better. i'm to the point to where half the time all i ever do is want out of it, and then when i get around him and i see how he acts around me, my feelings completely change, and it makes me happy. what am i supposed to do? i don't know, i have more to say but i'm not sure how to say it, so i'm going to get off of here and go study for a while. i'll write more later maybe. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|09:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
...i just almost died.
at the moment, i wish i had. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|09:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy...very happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the television | ] |
I haven't written in this in probably over a year, but I'm extremely bored, and have nothing better to do so..I figured I would. My brother just killed a raccoon, which was sad, but it was killing our chickens, so whatever...personally I can't stand chickens anyways, so whatever. I'm finally through with high school, which I'm very happy about, aside from leaving a few friends behind, but we'll keep in touch...I hope. I have to be at a job tomorrow at 1...3 days a week, until next week, when I'll have to start being there at 8. But it's all ok, I get good pay, which I need. Question is, how much running around and keeping an eye on these kids will it involve. As far as i know they're around the ages of 6 and 9-10...and boys. But they seem nice...what little I've seen them, so I'm sure it'll be ok. I don't know when I'll have time to see anyone this summer. Maybe Mondays and Saturdays....if things turn out they way I want them to, which they normally don't. My biggest thing will be never hardly seeing Jesse, which we'll HAVE to work out. :'( I already miss him a ton, and I just saw him a few hours ago, and talked to him a few minutes ago. But he said he'll come down Wednesday...so, we'll see. I don't really have much else to say at the moment, so I guess I shall go. |
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| i'm bored |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|09:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ok..for now | ] |
well i got back from south carolina monday sometime. it wasn't all that bad, except monday...but spending time with other ppls family isn't exactly how i wanted to spend my day. oh well, it's over now and i'm back home. for the past 2 days, things have been getting really weird. it's like everytime something happens, or i get frustrated i just start crying. i don't know..it's never happened before. i'm sure it'll pass. i've just gotta realize everything will be ok eventually, once i figure out what's wrong. but i'm sure i'll be fine. well i don't really have much else to say so i'm gonna go now. |
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| banana |
[Jul. 1st, 2005|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the tv...and mom chopping something in the kitchen | ] |
welp i'm off to south carolina tomorrow. i just hope it doesn't suck. but seeing as how dolan is gonna be the only one there who's anywhere near my age, i think it might. but it'll be over soon enough, so i'm sure i'll live. i went to zack's birthday thing tonight, which was pretty cool, just a bunch of people from school basically. a few of us ended up downstairs in zack's room anyways, so we didn't really have to worry about a few people that we didn't talk to. after that mom had to go to walmart, and me and dolan were walking around, and he just starts freaking out about some woman he had just seen who was like balling her eyes out yelling hold on dad. he was laying on some bench and as i saw 2 guys laying him on the ground he looked really pale. dolan just kept saying that he felt the presence of death..seeing as how dolan assumed that the man had died. we don't really know what happened, i just hope he's ok. some cashier woman had said that he had been in the lane next to her, and had gotten quite sick so..it was weird. well, i don't really have much else to say, so i'm gonna go now. |
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| sdfhso;idhf |
[Jun. 26th, 2005|11:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
well it's been quite a while since i've said anything in here. more or less because nothing really goes on in my life, but oh well. you know i was up late last night..the main reason being because i had one of the worst headaches i've had in a while..but that's beside the point. anyways, i started thinking about myself and my life and my friends. i just kept thinking that i wish i could change the way i am, how that no matter how much i want to do something, i always have that constant worry that somehow my parents will find out. i hate caring so much about what they think or what they'll do to me if i do something they don't like, although i don't really have anyone to hang out with who could take me places without them knowing or let me do something i may wanna do..but that's because i don't really know anyone who drives..also kind of beside the point. i don't wanna be the careful person i used to be anymore..i wanna change. i think some of this may be coming from the fact that i feel as though every decision i make, no matter who may like it...someone i know will judge me for it, and so i never know if i've done the right thing or not. it's as if ppl expect me to do everything the way they want it to be done, and they want to run my life. well...i don't want that anymore, i just wanna find myself, and who i really am. the only question is how am i gonna do that? i mean there are days where i feel as if i'm the only person who doesn't know what they want, and who hasn't found what they've been looking for. and it's as if when i find what i want, i can't get it.
i don't know sometimes i feel as if i'm just rambling and that nothing i say matters, and then of course the thought that others may think i'm trying to make ppl feel sorry for me comes to my mind too, but that's not what i'm doing. i just wanna stop caring about what other ppl think, and what my parents think. i don't really know if i've said all i really want or how it's gonna sound when ppl read it, but i don't know. and i think i'm about to have to get off anyways. so i'll go for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2005|07:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blah | ] |
so wednesday i'm supposed to be leaving to go to gatlinburg, with some ppl from school..yay for me. :/ i get to spend 3 days with 2 of the ppl i despise the most, josh and jordan. on the other hand i get to get out of this house, which will be much needed. ok well i just sat here for what seemed like forever just staring off into space. i have nothing to say, but yet i feel like i have so much to say. it's weird, but oh well. i need to go practice my convention song cause i still don't have it completely memorized yet, and convention is only about 2 weeks away. no one is on so i guess that's what i'll go do. |
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| who cares anymore |
[Mar. 14th, 2005|09:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | no good music on this comp. | ] |
i feel horrible right now and i don't know why. i feel like i could just start crying and won't be able to stop. it's like no one cares and they never will. i hate feeling like this, it's horrible. i just wish i had someone...i mean anyone. i want out of this house and away from everyone in it..yet i don't wanna leave my friends, so i have no choice but to stay with these fucking people. but why is it that there are days i feel like no one could give a shit if i was alive or not..like right now. and here lately those days have been almost everyday. i hate keeping in my emotions, but i don't know how to let them out. i mean i've tried explaining it but i never can, and the only other way is to cry and i can't even do that around anyone. i want to be able to express my feelings, but when i do i feel like people are gonna think i'm weird and strange. i mean yeah people think that already, but i mean in a different sort of way. why can't i just be myself without worrying what people think. yeah i say what people say about me doesn't get to me but to tell the truth it does. i just wan't to be myself, but no one seems to accept that. i am who i am, and whether i like it or not...that's me. why can't people accept it? it's like if i don't do things the way they do it, i'm weird, or i'm stupid, retarded...whatever it is they say. what the fuck is wrong with me?! what?! |
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| :( |
[Mar. 13th, 2005|08:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | nothing | ] |
i swear parents are such asses sometimes. mom is pretty much just pissing me off, and dad has been talking to one of his friends who is talking about starting this business and stuff. dad's all like we're gonna invest in it and blah blah blah. and then he starts with the whole and we may just move there...south carolina...if we want an active part in the business. and they're actually serious about this. i can't move...i refuse to move. i've got better friends here than anywhere i've ever been, and if they take me away from them...well it's gonna take a hell of alot for me to forgive them. i mean they've already moved me once, and i'm still partially mad over that just because...well i mean i miss everyone down there alot, but then if i hadn't moved here i wouldn't have met all the friends i have now. a few in particular who know who they are. and yes i say i hate it here, but the truth is, i really like it here. thanks to my friends. i mean can't they wait until i'm at least 18. i won't even be here anyways. i'll be gone. i just don't know how much more i can take. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2005|08:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Eagles - "Hotel California" | ] |
Well I went to Britney's friday, and we went to manchester of course. Then we went to wal-mart and bought some stuff for our science project which we finished...well actually Brit pretty much finished, but I helped a little, and I mean a little..but I must say it turned out very nice. Then saturday I stayed and went to the nlc for the first time, and I must say I really enjoyed it. I may have been extrememly quiet..well some of the time, depending on who decided to push me around over to where they were or mess my hair up..(anthony and dustin)Haha, but I'm glad they did..it was fun. And I mean yeah I still didn't talk much, but then I was around ppl I didn't know very well, so I was shy..but I did talk more than I did at Brit's party that time, so I'm making progress...I'm so proud of myself. Ok whatever, I'm just being weird now. But yeah it was really fun. And Brandon, Jaime, Dustin, Jack, Saundra, and all the rest..if there was anyone else, were all really nice to me, so that made me happy. I was happy, and that's alot coming from me sometimes. Well that's about it. I don't know what I'm gonna go do now, but I'm gonna stop talking. later |
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